Discipline is Wisdom - Dr. Geoffrey Carr -

When you take time to think about it, why would we ever want our children to behave other than how they want to?

The only healthy reason to interfere with what our children want to do is if it would have a negative impact on their long-term well-being, or on the well-being of others (including ourselves). Our child may want to wade in the ocean but if we know about a strong riptide we won’t want him to risk his life. Our child may want to keep her friend’s doll, but if her friend wants it back, we won’t want her friend to feed distressed and sad. Our child may want to play with his toy drums but our headache means that we want him to stop. Our child may prefer to go to sleep without brushing his teeth, but due to the costs to his well-being over the long-term, we support him in delaying his desire to go to bed, and in tolerating the tedium of brushing his teeth.

Our child’s ability to consider their own well-being beyond their momentary pleasure, and to consider the well-being and feelings of others, are two of the most important ingredients for their life-long health and happiness. Parents must teach their children this self-discipline. It involves parents using their wisdom to inform their children about reasons to do or not do something, which fosters the child’s own wisdom.

Parent: “I know you really want to wade in the ocean Omar, and it’s very dangerous at this time of day. People can drown here.”

Parent: “You seem to like that doll a lot Cheryl, and I know you want to keep it. It’s Mindy’s doll though and I know she will be very sad if she doesn’t get her back.”

Parent: “Boy, you’ve learned how to play that drum that Grandpa gave you really quickly. Daddy has a bad headache right now and the drum noise is hurting my ears so I’d like you to put it away until after dinner.”

Parent: “You don’t want to do your teeth, eh? Yah, I can sure understand that. If we don’t brush our teeth then they can get holes in them called cavities and when you’re older your teeth might fall out!”

A few crucial points:

We always begin with responsive presence, acknowledging our child’s apparent feelings and desires. In this we are valuing our child’s feelings along with the feelings and well-being of others. This is the essential recipe for life-long health and happiness. If we neglect responsive presence and jump right into telling our child why they shouldn’t do what they want to do, then the implicit message they will receive is that their current feelings and desires don’t matter very much.

Healthy discipline has nothing to do with punishment, which is always damaging to children (I discuss this further here). The use of punishment actually reflects the parent’s lack of self-discipline and our desire to get what we want without considering the long-term consequences. Because we are stronger, more powerful, and they are dependent on us, we can physically control, coerce, manipulate, threaten, and blackmail them into doing what we want. Indeed, these are the standard fare of parenting and some parenting programs. Any type of punishment, including physical punishment, threats to take away toys, activities, or screen time, time outs, “1-2-3 Magic”, silent treatment, comparisons to siblings, and yelling, each involve these types of control. Each of these undermine a child’s mental health and long-term happiness. As you will learn here, there are also completely unnecessary and actually backfire! Your children will be more considerate, respectful, and cooperative if you eliminate punishment and instead discipline through wisdom.

Wisdom is, at root, our ability to understand consequences and to use this understanding to guide our behaviour. Our job as parents with more life experience than our children, is to respectfully offer them what we have learned. Our children will be best served if we let them do what they want to do unless this will somehow be detrimental for them, or for others. In these cases, the prescription is always the same:

We begin by acknowledging our child’s experience – their feeling, desire, motive, and so on: “I really get how mad you are at your brother. You worked so hard on that drawing and now he’s scribbled all over it. Now you want to wreck one of his drawings and that would feel really satisfying for you.”

We then move on to explain why restraining their impulse or delaying its gratification would be best. We do this in terms of the consequences for our child or for others: “I don’t want him to feel the same disappointment that you are feeling, so I won’t let you do that.”

We may also support them in finding a different way of satisfying or partially satisfying the feeling or desire: “How about we go to Johnny’s room and you tell him how upset you are about your drawing?” (Wanting to damage one of Johnny’s drawings comes from a desire to have Johnny know how he feels so it won’t happen again, and helping him tell his little brother about his feelings accomplishes the same goal.) Or, “How about I set up your art stuff and you can redo your drawing on a fresh page?” (This would allow him to have a drawing to replace the damaged one, partially satisfying his desire.)

To summarize:

We begin by acknowledging our child’s feeling, desire, motive, etc.
We then explain why restraining their impulse or delaying its gratification would be best for our child or for the welfare of others.
We may support our child in finding a different way of satisfying or partially satisfying their feeling or desire. Tip

Here are different types of situations in which we may want our child to restrain her impulses. In each case, the three steps are identical, and underlined.

Your child is doing something that endangers his welfare.
Your child wants to do something that is not good for his/her health.
Your child is doing something that you do not like.
Your child wants to do something that she will likely regret later.
Your child is about to do something that may harm someone else.
Your child has done something that another child has felt badly about.
Your 16-year-old daughter is joining a rock band.
Your child is emotionally upset.
Your child’s choice is not acceptable to you.
You want your child to do something they don’t want to.
Your child does not want to do something that they already agreed to do.
Your child does not want to do something that he knows is expected of him.
Your child went over the limits.

Your child is doing something that endangers his welfare.

First, we obviously avoid this situation by not putting our children into situations in which their welfare is likely to be endangered. We don’t send our young children out to play when there is traffic close by. We don’t leave babies to crawl around over electrical cords. In some situations, however, when we have not anticipated a problem, we may find our child in imminent danger. If our child’s behaviour places them or someone else in imminent danger, then of course we must take immediate action to stop the behaviour. A nice conversation about our child’s enjoyment in playing near the edge of the cliff had best take place after we have moved our child away from the cliff! Excepting those relatively rare situations, problematic behaviour is best met first with acknowledgement of the child’s likely experience, feelings, or motives.

Begin by acknowledging our child’s experience: “Wow, Joel is going to take you to the baseball game! Awesome! I can’t believe he got tickets – you’ll have a blast!”
Move on to explain why restraining their impulse or delaying its gratification would be best in terms of the consequences for your child or for others: “Your cousin is a generous man, but he has a drinking problem. He’s been pulled over by the police for driving while over the legal limit twice, so I’m worried that you won’t be safe driving with him.”
Support them in finding a different way of satisfying or partially satisfying the feeling or desire: “Joel will probably be drinking at the game, so how about if I drive you guys home after it’s over?” Or, “How about you agree to take the bus home after the game?”

Your child wants to do something that is not good for his/her health.

Begin by acknowledging your child’s experience: “Oh, you’d really like that chocolate bar now. I know that you’re really hungry and it’d sure taste good.”
Move on to explain why restraining their impulse or delaying its gratification would be best in terms of the consequences for your child or for others: “I really want you to get food that is healthy for your body into you before you have sweets.”
Support them in finding a different way of satisfying or partially satisfying the feeling or desire: “Dinner will be in about an hour. Would you like to have some apple or almonds to snack on in the mean time?”

Your child is doing something that you do not like.

Begin by acknowledging your child’s experience: “Manny, I realize that you and your friends like having the TV turned up loudly.” Or, “Manny, I know that you guys find it more exciting when the speakers are blaring.”
Move on to explain why restraining their impulse or delaying its gratification would be best in terms of the consequences for your child or for others: “I find it really difficult to concentrate on my term paper when it is so noisy.” Or, “I was really looking forward to a quiet evening after I got home from work.”
Support them in finding a different way of satisfying or partially satisfying the feeling or desire: “Would you please turn it down a few notches?” Or, “Would you please turn it down and close the doors to the family room?” Or, “Would you please turn it down for an hour until I start making dinner?”

Your child wants to do something that she will likely regret later.

Begin by acknowledging our child’s experience: “THREE pieces of pizza, huh? Boy, it sure must be tasty.”
Move on to explain why restraining their impulse or delaying its gratification would be best in terms of the consequences for your child or for others: “You tend to get a tummy ache after you eat a lot of fatty food.”
Support them in finding a different way of satisfying or partially satisfying the feeling or desire: “It’s your body and your decision, but I suggest that you leave that third slice for fifteen minutes and see how you feel.”

Your child is about to do something that may harm someone else.

Begin by acknowledging your child’s experience: “That would be pretty funny, eh, if Pandeep actually sat on the thumbtack and jumped up yelping?”
Move on to explain why restraining their impulse or delaying its gratification would be best in terms of the consequences for your child or for others: “That could really hurt her though. Along with being painful, that little thumbtack could really hurt her body.” (Depending on the age of the child we could explain about tetanus shots, and so forth)
Support them in finding a different way of satisfying or partially satisfying the feeling or desire: “I bet you could think up another joke to play on her that won’t actually hurt her!”

Your child has done something that another child has felt badly about.

Begin by acknowledging your child’s experience: “I know that you’re really glad that you got an ‘A’ on that project, and you worked hard on it.” 2. Move on to explain why restraining their impulse or delaying its gratification would be best in terms of the consequences for our child or for others: “I didn’t know that you got the idea from Jenny and that she did the same project herself. Jenny’s mom told me that Jenny felt really disappointed, that she felt like you stole her idea.” 3. Support them in finding a different way of satisfying or partially satisfying the feeling or desire: “It’s great when we can get good ideas from others. It’s really important that when we take their ideas that we make sure it is all right with them, and somehow acknowledge that it was their idea. That way they get to feel like they get credit for their idea, but you still get credit for all the effort you put into making it work.”

Your 16-year-old daughter is joining a rock band where drug use and sexual promiscuity are rampant.

Begin by acknowledging our child’s experience: “Sounds like you’ve lost your bloody mind!”
Move on to explain why restraining their impulse or delaying its gratification would be best in terms of the consequences for your child or for others: “I’m gonna lock you in your room until you’ve grown out of this crazy idea!”
Support them in finding a different way of satisfying or partially satisfying the feeling or desire: “Couldn’t you just join a gospel choir?”

OK, let’s try that again.

Begin by acknowledging our child’s experience. “Satan’s Spawn – I’ve seen their posters around town. Playing with a hot band like that would sure be exciting for you. That’d be quite an antidote to those boring high school classes.”
Move on to explain why restraining their impulse or delaying its gratification would be best in terms of the consequences for your child or for others: Enquiringly, “I’ve heard that their drummer got busted for doing cocaine with some of the groupies.” (Now listen for her response.) “Is it true that the guitarist dumped his girlfriend after he got her pregnant?” (Listen again.) And then, depending on her responses, “Katie, I’d be really worried about you joining that band. They have a reputation for behaving in ways that are pretty reckless in terms of their own health and the health of those around them. I know it would be a thrill to play with them, but you could end up regretting it for the rest of your life. It’d be really hard to resist the drugs when everyone else is using them, and once you do, your impaired judgment would lead to other decisions that you’d regret. See this tattoo?” (“MOM, pull your pants up!”) “Well, now you see why I don’t wear a bikini. I thought it was the coolest thing when I got it, but that was after a few beer.”
Support them in finding a different way of satisfying or partially satisfying the feeling or desire: “I’d feel a whole lot better about you joining a band after you finish high school.” Or, “How about we both check into the band a bit more before you decide to join?”

These examples illustrate that the principles can be applied in any situation with our children in which it would be best to curtail or contain a desire or feeling. What these examples do not illustrate is how these principles take place in the context of ongoing communication with our children, or that in practice we would be listening to our children’s responses to our statements. When we say to our 16-year-old daughter, “Playing with a hot band like that would sure be exciting for you,” we would be interested in hearing more about her experience, perhaps more about why she is interested in playing with this band. It could be because of the money she would earn. It could be because the bass player is super-cute. It could be because her friends would be very impressed and envious. Regardless, when we acknowledge our children’s experience, or what we imagine they are experiencing, we open to the door to them telling us more about themselves. Therefore, our responses to our children cannot be scripted and will emerge from our understanding of, and genuine caring about, their feelings and experience.

Your child is emotionally upset.

There are some situations in which the most important thing is attending to our relationship with our child by acknowledging their experience, and then waiting until later to express our feelings, concerns, or suggestions for different behaviour. This is particularly the case when our child is emotionally upset. Despite our desire to impress upon our children that we want them to behave differently, they are much more likely to do so if we express our request at a time when they are more likely to hear it. This will not be when they are very upset, disappointed, or angry.

You have taken one of your child’s old t-shirts and used it as a rag to clean the car. Your child sees this and bursts out, “You’re ruining my favourite t-shirt! Grandma gave me that when we went to the circus. You don’t care about my stuff! I hate you!”

Begin by acknowledging our child’s experience: “Oh, Jamie, sounds like I really screwed up. Ruining your favourite t-shirt; I bet you’re furious with me.”

At this point we can just listen to anything else our child wants to express, and if we are genuinely sensitive to their feelings, it will likely include tears. Continuing to acknowledge their feelings is the most fruitful thing that we can do. Then, some time later we can move on to the other steps:

Move on to explain why restraining their impulse or delaying its gratification would be best in terms of the consequences for your child or for others: “Jamie, I would never take any of your clothes if I thought that you still wanted them. It has been lying on the basement floor since you used it to soak up that milk that you spilled. If you treat something poorly like that then I’m likely to assume that you don’t care about it anymore.”

Your child’s choice is not acceptable to you.

Sometimes we will not be willing to allow our children to make the choices they want to. In this case, the consequence may be the parent physically stopping the child. It is always preferable to ensure that the child is aware of this consequence, such as by saying, “It’s not okay to touch those since they could break. I don’t want you to touch them and if you reach for them again I’m going to pick you up and take you away from them.” This lets the child make the choice to refrain from touching or to touch with full knowledge of the consequence. However, it is crucial to be aware that our children will likely experience this as a violation. Consider how you would feel if someone took you by the arm and forced you to go somewhere that you didn’t want to. Of course, any physical intervention demands that the parent not use it to vent anger towards the child by handling the child roughly. Physically intervening will be more common with very young children but should be minimized with children of any age. Most often, as in the example of touching something that could break, the better alternative is to alter the environment rather than physically controlling our children. Most breakable things can be simply put out of reach if a child persists in trying to touch them. We can then help our child deal with their feelings of frustration and disappointment over not being able to touch something, again beginning by acknowledging that they really wanted to touch it and feel angry that we have prevented it.

Consider the difference between the fairly common practice of physically picking up (or smacking) a young child and taking the child away from something the parent doesn’t want him to touch, and a parent following the principles described here. In the former case, the child is likely to be struggling and screaming or crying at being forcibly removed from a situation he was enjoying. The child will likely feel violated, feel as if his desires are not important to others, and will not have had an opportunity to learn about self-control. In the latter case, the parent would say something like:

“I can see that you really like that. It’s really pretty to look at, huh?”
“But, Johnny, I really don’t want you to touch it because I’m afraid it might get broken. That’s your sister’s favourite model and she’d feel very sad if it was broken.”
At this point the parent might suggest an alternate activity that Johnny may enjoy.

In this way, Johnny learns that his feelings are important (validation that he really seems to like his sister’s model), that the parent also considers other people’s feelings important (his sister would feel sad if her model was broken), and that his parent has some faith in his ability to contain his impulse to touch the model. He then has an opportunity to practice controlling his own behaviour.

In this one simple, very common situation, parents have the opportunity to offer their children so much, or so little. It takes more time in the moment. However, as Johnny learns to consider the feelings of others and to control his own impulses, situations like this take much less of his parents’ time than if he is treated in a more controlling way.

You want your child to do something they don’t want to.

Many situations with our children involve us wanting them to do something that they would rather not do. These situations are actually very similar to our children having a desire that needs to be restrained or delayed. Our child’s desire is not to do something and we are providing them with information about why it would be best to do it. Again the reasons will be for the well-being of our child over the long-term or for the welfare of others, including us.

In this case, our interaction with our child begins with them saying that they do not want to do something (like brushing her teeth), failing to do something that they have already agreed to do (like brushing her teeth), or that they know is an expectation of everyone in the home (like brushing her teeth!).

Parent: “Harriet, I think you still have to brush your teeth.”

Child: (whining) “Oh, but I hate brushing my teeth! I’m tired. The toothpaste tastes yucky. Debbie’s mom doesn’t make her brush her teeth!”

Again we:

1. Begin by acknowledging our child’s experience: “Boy, you really don’t want to brush your teeth… and you’ve got lots of reasons. I can sure understand that. I don’t like brushing my teeth either, especially when I’m tired.”

Then we: (In these cases the desire is not to do something so it is the impulse to avoid it that needs to be restrained.)

2. Move on to explain why doing what they don’t want to do would be best in terms of the consequences for your child or for others: “I think you already know why we need to brush our teeth.” (Our child may offer that indeed they do understand why, and if not then we can explain the negative consequences: tooth decay, gum disease, bad breath, dentist bills, dentures, lost boyfriends, and generally ruining her life.)

Finally we may:

3. Support them in finding a different way of satisfying or partially satisfying the feeling or desire: “How about we get a different flavour of toothpaste next time?” Or, “I wish we could just drink something that cleaned our teeth so we didn’t have to brush!” (Offering a fantasy satisfaction of the desire.)

Next are other types of situations where your child not wanting to do something can be a problem.

Your child does not want to do something that they already agreed to do.

Our child accepted a birthday party invitation and on the day of the party changes his mind.

Begin by acknowledging your child’s experience: “Oh, so Georgia is sick and not going to the party, and if she isn’t there it’ll be less fun for you.”
Move on to explain why doing what they don’t want to do would be best in terms of the consequences for your child or for others: “Kimberly and her mother will have spent time and money preparing for this party. It is already too bad that Georgia won’t be there, but if you don’t go either then Kimberly is likely to feel pretty disappointed. I understand that you’re disappointed that Georgia won’t be there, but it is important that we try to follow through with our commitments to others.”
Support them in finding a different way of satisfying or partially satisfying the feeling or desire: “I imagine that you’ll have a good time once you get there, but if you aren’t how about you call me after a few hours and I’ll pick you up early.”

Your child does not want to do something that he knows is expected of him.

Your son keeps procrastinating in taking out the garbage.

Begin by acknowledging your child’s experience: “I get that you want to finish your game of Bad Guy Mash-up, and putting out the garbage is about as much fun as changing diapers.”
Move on to explain why doing what they don’t want to do would be best in terms of the consequences for your child or for others: “I’m concerned that if you don’t do it now it won’t get done before your bedtime. I have my own chores to do tonight and if I have to do your chore, too, I’m gonna feel really mad.”
Support them in finding a different way of satisfying or partially satisfying the feeling or desire: “Sometimes life just sucks and you have to take out the garbage, and there ain’t no upside!” OK, we can always find some way of helping our children to partially satisfy their desire not to do something, even if just in fantasy, but we are allowed to be tired ourselves, and an obvious solution may not come to mind. This is just a reminder that we don’t have to be perfect, and you don’t have to follow every step, every time, for your children to get the message of your caring and your wisdom.

Your child went over the limits.

Oops, too late. Our child has already acted on a desire or impulse that is going to have a negative consequence for their well-being or for others, or they have not done something and this will have a negative consequence for them or others. Sometimes this will involve our children going against some expectation, limit, or rule that we have set (preferably set with their agreement), and sometimes it will be a situation that we have not specifically discussed before.

What now? The first part of the answer is that our responses need to be guided by our empathy and valuing of our child’s experience. If our child does not follow our expectations or limits, there are reasons for it, and if we continue with responsively acknowledging their experience then they will usually tell us about those reasons. Ideally, we respond to our child’s problematic behaviour as a beginning point for learning about what is going on for the child. An attitude of curiosity, empathy, and compassion leads us to understand why our child is feeling and reacting as they are, and this puts us in a much better position to deal with it. We can then decide if we want to do anything differently to promote the child feeling and behaving more positively in the future. Of course, we may also feel concern about our child’s behaviour and may feel frustrated, and we may share these feelings with our children, but due to our acceptance of responsibility for our own feelings, we will not blame our child for our feelings.

Usually, this communication between parent and child is all that is necessary to come to a solution. If the child did not understand the parent’s reasons for the limit or expectation, those reasons can be explained more clearly. If the child forgot, they can come up with ways to help him remember. If the child did not want to comply for some other reason, then the parent can come to understand those reasons and work to find a way to address the reasons for the limits while being accommodating towards the child’s feelings.

Parent: “Dwayne, you were half an hour late getting home after school today. We had to wait to serve dinner and we were worried. What happened?”

Child: “I was playing ball with Kenzo and Carter and we needed three for our game, and I would have felt like a dweeb to have to leave early.” (We now have the reasons and feelings behind our son’s problematic behaviour.)

Parent: (1. Begin by acknowledging your child’s experience) “I get that you would have felt embarrassed leaving on time for dinner.”

(2. Explain why their behavior was not best for them or for others.) Do you understand the problems it created for us?”

Child: “Yeah, sorry you had to wait for me.”

Parent: (3. Support them in finding a different way of satisfying or partially satisfying the feeling or desire.) “What can we do so this won’t happen in the future?”

Child: “Well, I’ll just come home on time.” (Probably not, since nothing has changed. We need to work with our child around his feelings of embarrassment.)

Parent: “What do you think you can do around feeling like a dweeb if your friends don’t want you to leave, or if it is something else they want you to do?”

This conversation could go in many different directions, but at this point the important thing is that the underlying feeling that led to the problematic behaviour is being acknowledged and addressed. Notice that there was no, “Feeling like a dweeb with your friends, why that’s silly! You shouldn’t feel like that! You’re a good boy and you are not a dweeb, whatever that means”. Well-meaning attempts to support our children’s self-esteem like this backfire, because in fact we have just invalidated our child’s experience.

Consider another example. Five-year-old Deborah is playing with her mother’s best makeup, applying it liberally to her own face and to the floor. Mommy is understandably upset that her makeup is being ruined and wasted, and does not want it to happen again. She would most fruitfully begin, however, by acknowledging Deborah’s delight in her play and in her desire to be doing grown-up things like Mommy. After connecting with her daughter around her daughter’s experience, she will then be much more receptive to hearing about her mother’s feelings. Again, it is important that Mommy expresses her feelings, that the situation has nothing to do with her daughter being “bad”. She could say something like:

1. Begin by acknowledging your child’s experience. “Oh, Honey, I see you’re having a lot of fun playing with my makeup. You’re putting on makeup just like grown-ups do”. She can then listen to her daughter’s reaction or reply and perhaps acknowledge more of her experience. Then she might say:

2. Explain why their behavior was not best for them or for others. “My makeup is really special to me and cost me a lot of money. I feel sad when it gets used up or broken, and I don’t want you to play with it anymore.”

3. Support them in finding a different way of satisfying or partially satisfying the feeling or desire. “If you want, we could get some (play or inexpensive) make-up for you to use.”

But what about consequences!?! There are different types of consequences. “Russell!!! Somebody’s gonna get hurt real bad!” The signature line of comedian Russell Peters captures what many parents think of when we talk about consequences, and it really means punishment. Remember, parents punish their children when they think their child has behaved badly, but its actually the parent behaving badly. Healthy consequences are, however, simply natural outcomes of behaviour and the parent’s only job is to offer wisdom, to help the child become aware of them. A child may insist on wearing an “inappropriate” outfit for some occasion and the parent can inform the child about how others are likely to feel and how they are likely to react, and the parent may choose to let the child learn the consequences of his choice. Other consequences are based on the parent’s feelings and desires. The parent may inform the child about how she is likely to feel about the child’s behaviour and what the parent intends to do in response: “I know that you don’t want to clean up your room as we agreed. If you don’t I’m going to have more difficulty believing in your agreements in the future.”

(Notice that the same pattern of acknowledging the child’s experience, and then explaining the negative consequences of their behaviour, is embedded in these examples.)

“I realize that you want to go and buy yourself a toy instead of paying me back the money you borrowed, and I want you to know that if you do I will feel disappointed and will probably not want to be around you tonight”.

Sometimes consequences will be imposed after the child has done something the parent considers to be unacceptable:

“John, I told you last week that when you borrow my basketball I want it returned in good condition and I feel very frustrated that it is dirty and scratched again this time. I realize that sometimes you forget, but I’m not willing to have my things ruined. I’m putting it away and I don’t want you to use it for the rest of the summer. We’ll talk about it again next year”.

This reflects a natural consequence of the child not taking adequate care of borrowed property, namely not being able to use the property. Notice that there is no criticism of the child nor any punishment of the child.

The Four Principles: